The Day my TRUST is broken forever.

I excerpt this from my fp.


I never thought that in my 4+ years of doing doctorate, i'd be tested again and again and again until it really made my knees weak. I started like everybody else, I brought along with me an ultimate TRUST. The trust is not only mine, it is my family's trust, my country's trust and the fellow taxpayers' trust. To whom this trust is given ? First, to myself and second, to my supervisor.

I wasnt an A-straight student. Infact, I wasnt a bright student. Therefore, I had to struggle hundred times more than my peers. It wasnt easy when you have to carry the trust in your head everyday, especially with the taxpayers' money. Having that thought in my mind, i told myself and my supervisor that I need to complete my research in three years. Yes. that is how i intended and i was determined.

I worked blood, sweat and tears throughout those 3 years. I didnt give myself any reason for not finish in 3 years. For me, reasons are for failures. I didnt give anybody the chance to say that 'she does not do anything'. Infact, i didnt give the chance for my supervisor to criticize my work. I even remember the dialogue between me and him. "I want to finish in 3 years, can you help me ? I'll put whatever I have in this 3 years", "why are you so worried, with your work style, i guarantee u'll finish less than 3 years. U just follow my instructions.". "Okay, i trust you". "Yes, trust me". So I trusted him, and I worked. Well, do i get praised ? Heaps ! Did i finish my work on time everytime I met my supervisor ? Not a single delay.

The ultimatum.
3 years and 2 months. I finished my first draft. I didnt expect my first draft to be entirely correct. But, well, i followed the trust, i followed what my supervisor had told me to do. Soon, i'll be back to my beloved family, right ? WRONG!

I gave 2 weeks for my supervisor to read my draft. I shouldnt be worried. I've already collected empty boxes for my stuff just in case I only need 2 months to do the correction. I shouldnt be worried as well when my supervisor said "I'm leaving to Monash Uni. But dont worry, I am responsible to make sure you finish your thesis. Infact, I am guilty because I should take a better care of you".

The Day.
It was on Friday, 3.00pm. Me, my supervisor and my new supervisor sat in our common room to discuss on the draft. My supervisor looked tense. He started with "Bloody hell, what have u done with your thesis ? " To my shocked, i asked him "Why?", he replied, "Heaven, the entire thesis is wrong !" "What ??" . "I dont know what you did, but these are rubbish" . Yes, he called my TRUST there rubbish. I sat there for an hour, keeping my fist together. Tremble inside. My face was red in embarrassment over the yelling, the 'bloody hells' and 'heavens' throughout the entire meeting. At the end of the meeting, he stood up and said to my new supervisor. "Well, i dont know what to do and how to fix this mess. Maybe u can look after her. I'm going to Monash. Haha..okay, i'll see you there" and there he went..to the BAR.

It was just a beginning.
I looked at my new supervisor. Trying so hard not to drop my tears infront of him. He politely said to me. "Go home first, we'll fix this tomorrow". No, i didnt go home straightaway. I went to his room and asked "Will you tell me how long will it takes to fix this ?" He answered, "Frankly, more than 6 months" His words shattered my dreams. I could see nothing for a few seconds. Blank. Weak. I could feel blood gushing out from my body. I walked blindly towards home. Crying as much as I could. Not over the yelling, but the TRUST that i've given him.

I occupied myself on that weekend and my friends noticed my pale face. On Monday I called Malaysia. "Mama, nak balik..."..And I took off to my homeland, unfortunately for only one month. Together with me, were the TRUST that had already broken...no..its not broken...it was BETRAYED!